why me

It comes and it goes, but the thought is never far from my mind. Why me.

During my life I've often thought "what lesson am I supposed to be learning here?" for instance at a certain job, event, whatever. I've often thought we are put in certain positions in life to learn a lesson.

So what lesson am I supposed to be learning from being infertile, from not being able to have children?

Why me?

I have often thought, and now even read that psychologically infertility is similar to cancer, and I believe we probably have the why me in common for sure.

But I have also had a friend tell me and heard another speaker say they'd rather have cancer than infertility. With cancer, you can still have a family.  One of my friends who has cancer has had a child and is now able to share the joy of grandchildren as well. Sure, she has her bad days, but she has also been very blessed.

The other speaker remarked that cancer was much easier to deal with because people know how to react when you say you have cancer, and a lot of people draw a blank when you say you have infertility.

Why me?

Where did I make a wrong turn? What did I do to deserve this, or what did I do to not deserve to have children? Over and over I retrace the steps of my life trying to figure out where I went wrong, what I did wrong to deserve this severe punishment. Is it because I lied to my mom about eating all my vegetables at lunch in 5th grade? Is it because I didn't let that guy on the highway cut in front of me? Is it because I don't go to church? Is it because I got an F in math? I mean, consider myself a kind, giving, caring person. I don't even run over roadkill that is already dead. I swerve to avoid hitting small rodents. I've volunteered for the past eight years. I've never killed anyone, I don't do drugs (other than infertility), I vote, I pay my taxes. I've always been a child and dog magnet.

Why me?

What lesson am I supposed to be learning? Was I supposed to learn it 5 years ago? and the past 6 years of trying to have children have been in vain?

Am I not worthy? That's mostly how I feel. That someone, God, mother nature, whoever, feels that I'm not worthy of  being a mom. It breaks my heart. It makes me feel subhuman. It makes me not wear makeup and not care about what I wear. I makes me feel not worthy of anything. It makes me feel like a terrible person. It makes me constantly compare myself to others who are blessed with children. Why are they worthy and I'm not. What did they do right that I did wrong. Where did they take the right path and I take the wrong one.

What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? What am I supposed to be learning from this?

Why me?