self preservation or just plain crazy

I am at a point where I cannot make it through the day without crying.

Yes, I'm currently on Lupron for our final cycle with donor embryos. So I do realize that is part of it. Lupron gives me the crazys. Hysterical crying, tantrums, migraines, and the list goes on.

I was so positive with our first attempt. Our RE was so positive with our first attempt. But this time, I'm just so sure I'm not going to get pregnant. Is that self preservation? I fell really hard after our first attempt and I had SO far to fall.

I was at my monthly meeting with my computer users yesterday. They are all seniors. After the meeting, while I was packing up, I overheard a conversation three of them were having about grandchildren. One was complaining about going to his daughter's house for Christmas. Last year his grandchild was only six months old and didn't do anything. This year "it" will be a year and a half and probably still won't do anything but cry. As I overheard this, tears filled my eyes. Why don't they realized how blessed they are?

Everywhere you look, there are families. On TV, in Walmart, next door, and I know, that's how it's supposed to be, but where do I fit in? What am I going to do if I don't have children? That also means no grandchildren. I want to see my child's first steps, hear my child's first words, change dirty diapers, take my child to it's first day of school, go to graduation, attend my child's wedding, have grandchildren come to my house for the Christmas. I WANT IT ALL!

What will my life be like without that? What will my husband and I do? watch each other grow old? What will we live for? What will we work for? What is our purpose? The world is familycentric. We won't fit in anywhere. There is so island for parents without children. There's no where to hide. There is no family-free Walmart. We have always been surrounded by families, and always will be surrounded by families, so how will we cope? Who am I saving my Eiffel Tower collection for? What about all my family photos and antiques? Who will I pass my wisdom on to?

I don't wanna be that tragic old lady who never had kids. I don't want ANYONE to think I didn't want children, I want everyone to know how hard I tried to have kids, what I sacrificed to have children, what my husband and I put ourselves through for 11 years trying to have children. Some days I feel like I just wanna die if I can't have children. But don't worry, I could never do anything that drastic. But I fear I have a very unhappy life ahead of me. What kind of life is a life with no kids? a life with no joy?

I have looked into finding a therapist who specializes in infertility. I did see a therapist for the past two years, but it was no longer working so I stopped going earlier this year. I need someone to tell me how we will cope in a life without children.