my story

My husband and I started TTC in 2000, 3 years after we got married. We waited because he immigrated from another country and that is the waiting period, so we thought we were doing what was best. I was 34 when we began our infertility journey. We did not wait to have children because I was a power-hungry, career-driven freak.

After about 6 month of unsuccessful TTC, I sought help from my Ob./Gyn. because I didn't know what else to do. Of course, she gave me some Clomid. And of course, it didn't work, so she suggested we see a "fertility specialist."

We interviewed a few specialists who wanted mega-bucks and who also claimed they could "get anyone pregnant for a price." I think one quoted us like $48,000 and one was over $50,000, nothing we could ever afford.

So began my research into infertility and it's causes.

Until 2005, everyone I saw diagnosed me with "unexplained infertility." What a crock! I still believe "unexplained infertility" is a myth and just something doctors tell us when they don't know what's wrong.

I continued to have clomid cycles, mostly because no one seemed to know what to do with me.

I miscarried on February 14, 2005 and again on September 17, 2005.

Through my research, I became more and more convinced I suffered from PCOS, but all the specialists took one look at me and said "no."

In October 2005, my NURSE PRACTIONER said she'd been looking through my file and she thought I probably suffered from "Metabolic Syndrome"  – a more general term for PCOS - polycystic ovaries, so men can have it too. REALLY? YA THINK?  She searched for and found a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) who specialized in PCOS and made an appointment for me.

After five minutes and about as many questions, the RE promptly diagnosed me with PCOS, something I'd done myself, years before.

I was immediately started on 2000mg Metformin and we began to discuss our options. At this time I also learned that even thought my cycles were like clockwork and had been for years, I was not ovulating every month, and in fact probably only 2–3 time a year.

In May 2006, we had our first IUI. It failed.

In June 2006, we had our second IUI. It failed.

Since these two cycles cost considerably more than they originally quoted us, and nothing was covered by insurance. It was the end of our treatment.

Or so we thought.

Our RE recommended we continue on the meds (Follistim + a trigger shot) with a "natural cycle." (I'm refraining from using certain words because I don't want this blog to attract certain types of people who search for those words.) We tried that four the following four months and had no luck.

The following month (November 2006) I became pregnant for the third time. We actually got to see the "baby" in an ultrasound. Well, I guess it was the fetal pole we saw. A few weeks later we went for another ultrasound, we were going to get to hear the heartbeat. This was the longest I'd ever been pregnant, hopes were high.

The ultrasound showed I was having a Cornual pregnancy [Cornual pregnancy is the least common type of ectopic pregnancy, occurring in less than 3% of cases and less than 1/100,000 maternities]. The RE explained that I had ovulated out of one side and the embryo traveled across the top of my uterus and implanted at the opening of the other fallopian tube. Gravity was not even on my side. We were told we would need to abort the pregnancy otherwise the baby could continue to grow down my fallopian tube and cause it to rupture. Our RE told us how rare this was and asked if he could take a "picture." He is a teaching doctor. We said fine. Leave it to us to have something rare.

Fortunately mother nature made the decision for us and the pregnancy ended naturally.

In October 2007, I was diagnosed with low ovarian reserve. We'd never stopped TTC the old fashioned way, always hoping for a miracle. But we had little hope.

In the summer of 2008, reality and severe depression set in. I was never going to be a mom. How would our lives go on. We'd spent so much money trying to figure out what was wrong with us, and then on procedures and drugs not covered by health insurance. The future looked bleak.

A family member had visited that summer. She hadn't realized we wanted kids and for years (and sadly like so many others, assumed we didn't have children because we didn't want them. She was surprised to learn how much we wanted children and let us know that she worked in the maternity ward at a hospital where babies were often abandoned. Would we like one? WOULD WE LIKE ONE?!?!?!

We'd always assumed we could not afford adoption. But when this door opened I began my research and we attended an adoption workshop. I researched home studies and social worker and the cost of home studies. We eventually found a social worker and began the overwhelming task of getting home study approved.

In December 2008, our home study was finalized and we were approved. I immediately began working on our profile and our birthmom letter. We were convinced this was our path to parenthood.

Due to the cost, we had our home study done by a church affiliated family service center. So all we got was a home study. It was up to us to find a child (or children) to adopt. We had no idea how much work this would be and we were so sure our family member would "find" a baby for us at her hospital any day.

Weeks went by, months went by. I began to cast a larger net. I sent our profile to other hospital maternity departments, Ob./Gyn. offices, midwives, abortion clinics, practically anyone who would answer my call and accept our profile. I sent out dozens and dozens of profiles, all the time keeping track of every penny spent because of the Adoption Tax Relief Guarantee (which says that you get up to $10,000 back from the IRS in the year that your adoption is finalized).

I began to go online to search for our child. I searched such sites as AdoptUsKids, Adoption.com and Adoption of Waiting Children Photolisting Directory. Every day I'd spend my lunch hour searching these sites and more, searching for our child or children.

We started out wanting a newborn. Then we updated our home study to a child between 0-2, then 0-6, then up to a sibling group of three. Surely we'd find our child.

But after over two years and applying for 100s of children, we'd only been considered on one case. And in that case the children (3) were returned to their foster mom. What was wrong with us? We thought adoption was a sure bet.

We were still applying for children when I received an email from someone I'd met in an online infertility support group in 2004. She wanted to know if we were interested in her embryos. She'd had two children, but had frozen embryos left and wanted them to go to a good home. I thanked her and said I was sure this was nothing we could afford, having researched donor eggs and embryos years before. But no, I'd misunderstood. She and her husband wanted to give us the embryos. She said she'd never forgotten my kindness to her and to others in our group. She said she was sure I'd make a wonderful mom. They only asked that we pay their legal fees.

So in February 2010, another door we thought had long been closed to us was opened. We began the legal process to take legal possession of the embryos. Wow. We had no clue what that involved. It took five months to complete the legal process and have the embryos shipped to our lab.

Before we began the FET protocol, we'd asked all doctors and labs about the cost. With what they told us, we figured we could afford two FET cycles. And we'd certainly get pregnant from one of those.

Our RE was so positive, so hopeful. He said that since the eggs were younger than I'd been since we started TTC, our chance of pregnancy was really good. He was so excited. My husband and I both remarked to each other that we'd never seen our RE so positive with any other procedure we'd had in the past. We were extremely excited and very positive. It just had to work, there was no way it wouldn't.

I had my first FET in July 2010. We found out in early August that it had failed. What? Beta = 0. There was no mistaking. We were devastated to say the least. I'd told EVERYONE we knew, I was THAT sure it would work. Now for the untelling. And the forgetting of who we told so that weeks later when we'd see someone and they'd ask "did it work" we'd have to say no over and over again.

The FET ended up costing considerably more than we'd been quoted. We could no longer afford a second FET. We were devastated to say the least.

Depression set in again.

Everyone assumed we could afford endless FETs. People don't realize how expensive IVF treatments are and that they are not covered by health insurance. People kept asking "when will you try again." Sadly we responded that we could not afford to try again and our dreams of being parents and having a family had finally come to an end.

A few weeks later, we found out that some family members had gotten together (from both sides of our families) and we were given the gift of one more FET.

First we were given embryos, and now the gift of FET. We felt so lucky and unlucky at the same time. Either way, we are truly blessed.

The outcome of our final FET will be known in November.

We are under no illusions that if I do fall pregnant, the pregnancy will be a walk in the park. We expect a rocky pregnancy, but we would welcome it. And with my history of miscarriage, we will probably hold our breath for the first trimester too.

For all these years, we were sure we would be parents one day. After the failed cycle in August, we are no longer sure. We realized we need a plan B. We realized we may have to learn to live without children.

Due to our finances, we can no longer qualify for adoption. Adoption is not the silver bullet we thought it would be. So if this FET is not successful, that will be the end of our struggle with infertility and the beginning of our life without children.